alternative deer season

Is it deer season yet? I can't wait to get out there and shoot me some deer. Of course, I've never actually been hunting before, but I'm ready to start. Being something of a nontraditionalist, however, I'm not going to hunt the kind of deer that most people hunt.

I'm going after the plastic ones -- you know, the ones that people have "decorating" their front lawns.

I can see it now -- there I'll be at 5 a.m. on a Saturday hiding in some kid's treehouse in the middle of a subdivision. I'll be half-crazy from lack of sleep and a pint of Old Crow, when all of a sudden I'll spy a whole family of plastic deer across the street.

And I'll blow those suckers off the map. Right between the eyes, by God.

The hunting of plastic deer might seem less sporting than hunting real deer (since my targets won't be moving), but when you consider the possibility of an angry homeowner coming out to chase me with his own firearm, then it seems a little more challenging.

Furthermore, no sooner will I have eluded the grieving owner of the plastic deer than I'll have to deal with various law-enforcement officials pursuing me through town.

Should I escape to continue my shooting spree, the town will work itself into a frenzy of fear. "Perverse Freak Menaces Local Wildlife Replicas; Lawn Gnomes Cower In Terror," the headlines will trumpet.

When The Man finally brings me down, they'll lock me away in the hoosegow or the banana barn for many moons. I'll suffer alienation from my fellow inmates, who will regard me with suspicion and fear as they ask, "What kind of a sicko blows away a hardworking American's plastic deer?"

Kind of strange, when you think about it -- you can kill real, living deer dead as hell as long as you follow certain guidelines. When you start taking aim at plastic deer, though, you're asking for trouble.

I just don't understand what would possess a person to plant plastic deer in his front yard. Maybe it has to do with the person's appreciation of the beauty of deer. Somehow, though, that doesn't make much sense, because it seems that the people who have plastic deer are the same ones who go out and shoot the real ones. Certainly, deer are beautiful animals, but if someone truly believes that, how could he get such pleasure out of killing them?

Lest I be labeled a pinko-radical-vegan-treehugger, let me say this: I'm a hypocrite. I eat meat -- heck, I've even eaten and enjoyed deer meat. However, I still don't understand the hunting mentality. Of course, I long ago abandoned the notion that I had to understand anyone's mentality -- takes too much time and effort.

So, rather than beseech anyone to give up the beloved pastime of hunting, I'll merely issue a warning to all the schizophrenic hunters who adorn their homes with plastic deer: I've got a pint of whiskey and a homemade potato gun (bullets frighten me), and I'm ready to go. Now if I can only figure out where to get a license for this...