horny goat weed
Just in case my Tuesday column didn't include enough disturbing goat imagery for your taste, I'm going all out on this one, so be forewarned.
A member of my close family has an unholy compulsion that moves him to pick up other people's discarded junk mail at the post office. Usually, this practice yields nothing more harmful than duplicate copies of Crutchfield catalogs that end up strewn around the house. Yesterday, however, it produced something truly fearsome.
A gray-haired couple engage in a loving embrace on the cover of a brochure. "Older men say, 'It works quicker!'" boasts the pamphlet. "Is this secret Chinese herb as good as V _ _ _ _ A?"
The name of this "secret Chinese herb" which the company claims can help you "enjoy a more satisfying sex life . . . no matter what your age"? Not Viagra. Horny goat weed.
That's right, horny goat weed. Go ahead, say it out loud. You're going to be asking yourself, "horny goat weed?!?" for days now anyway, so you might as well get it out in the open.
When I first saw the brochure, I thought it was a spoof of Viagra advertisements. Upon opening it, however, I found that it appears to be for real. The company says, "The goats went wild sexually when they ate the leaves from an Epimedium sagittatum plant (a weed native to China called Horny Goat Weed)," going on to claim that the herb can cause the same response in humans.
I thought it was a little weird when Bob Dole came on television hawking Viagra. Recently, I've been annoyed at the commercials that begin, "Who's been asking about Viagra?" (I always answer, "Yo mama.") This horny goat weed, though, is about eight shades of freaky.
Call me a skeptic, but I find it a little hard to believe that a goat aphrodisiac can also be effective on humans. Moreover, I think it's a sad statement on our society that some people are so desperate for a good roll in the hay that they take to analyzing the eating habits of goats.
"You know, I've always noticed that goats seem to enjoy some pretty good lovin'. I wonder what kind of weed they're into?"
Thatıs just twisted. Goats have long been a symbol of lecherous behavior; I assume this association has some basis in reality. That is, perhaps goats are just naturally a randy sort. Also, goats are known for eating anything that doesnıt eat them first, so how are you going to track down the supposed source of their sexual appetites?
"Hmmm, I suppose it could be the tin cans or old tires that the goats are eating, but I think Iıll try some of this weed instead."
I suppose thereıs a positive side to the proliferation of products designed to increase sex drive. Perhaps itıs a sign that our culture is beginning to move away from the demonization of sex and into a new realization that a healthy sex life is part of being a happy adult. From my viewpoint, however, the whole thing smells a little like snake oil. Furthermore, it all goes down as another example to back up one of my basic assumptions about life: people are just downright weird.